The Last, Best Hope for Bioware
by 666PsychoCheddar999
Summary: Four ordinary people must band together and journey across four of Bioware's games to save it from damnation. Can they do it in time and just who is the mysterious Author? Rated T for Total Unbridled Silliness. WARNING. Incredibly British Humor.
1. The Muthafucking Catalyst

The Last, Best, Hope for Bioware

Chapter One: The Muthafucking Catalyst

**(I really shouldn't be writing this. I've got enough un-finished stories already. But this idea came to me and I just had to write it. So, enjoy.)**

"Bullshit!" sighed Carrie, as the end credits rolled on her PC.

"What the fuck was that?" Dylan was close to breaking his Xbox.

"I knew this would happen! I bloody knew it!" Joshua threw his PS3 controller across the room and it snapped in two. "Shit!"

"FUCKING BULLSHIT!" screamed Katya, as she wrenched the disk out of the tray and snapped it over her knee.

The four friends then did what any self-respecting RPG gamer would do. Go on the internet and see what other endings they were. And, in this case, if there were any better ones. Their first port-of-call was Skype. Luckily, Katya, being the one with the £1000 gaming pc, had Skype Premium, so they could all see everyone's infuriated expressions in loving detail.

Joshua was the first one to speak.

"Anybody else just finished Mass Effect?" he asked, with barely suppressed rage.

And then the floodgates opened.

"...MY DECISIONS MEANT FUCK ALL...WHERES THE CLOSURE...FREAKING GOD-CHILD...FUCKING FAVOURITE COLOUR...TOOK A SHIT ON THE FRANCHISE...FUCKING GILLIGANS PLANET...NO THANK YOU MESSAGE...ITS BULLSHIT!"

And that was just Katya.

"So, what can we do?" asked Carrie, trying not to burst into tears at the sight of her minature Liara statue.

"I'm going to write a strongly-worded Facebook status!" Dylan proclaimed, smiling like he had just solved world idiocy.

Katya facepalmed. Loudly. And left a mark, which she rubbed carefully for the next few minutes.

"I could write a parody fanfiction to attract attention without being overly aggressive!" proposed Joshua.

"What dipshit would do that? You'd have to be a fucking idiot!" Katya responded and Joshua distracted himself from a feeling of loneliness by pretending he was still peeling the plastic off Mass Effect 3.

Suddenly, a great blue light shone from Carrie's side of the screen and Joshua's. When it cleared, they were both gone, leaving nothing but their messy rooms.

"The fuck was that?" Katya stared in wonder at what had just happened. Dylan meanwhile looked up with a, "Huh?" as he had been distracted by the reflection of his laptop screen on the ceiling.

Suddenly, a green light shone on him, once again blinding Katya, and he was gone.

"Ah, watch the contacts!" Katya was more irritated than amazed at her friend's disappearances now.

"Oh, lemme guess. Mine is red!"

And, as predicted, a red light shone in her room.

"Fucking typical..." muttered Katya, as the last friend left Earth.

-N7-

The friends were neither up nor down, left nor right, here or there, in neither light nor dark. Well, until Dylan found the light switch. Then they realized they were on that area of the Citadel from Mass Effect 3. And there was the Catalyst. Katya, of course, was the first to react.

"YOU BASTARD!" she charged towards the Catalyst and, somewhere in the back of her head, realized this probably wasn't the best idea. But Katya wasn't one to back down, especially when enraged.

"Stop." the Catalyst uttered the words as if it was simply paying its bills over the phone.

An invisible shimmering wall erected itself in front of Katya and she ran headfirst into it. She staggered backwards, clutching her nose.

"BY DOSE! BY FACKING DOSE!" she screamed through her fingers.

"Please listen to me. I mean you no harm." said the Catalyst, spreading its palms flat in front of it.

"Well, you can't really blame her. You did kind of fuck up her favourite game series. And make me get that Steam knock-off." said Carrie, folding her arms.

"Beah. Ashhole." muttered Katya, as Joshua patted her supportingly on the back. She glared at him and he pretended to stare at his shoes.

"So, what do you want then?" asked Carrie, approaching the Catalyst.

"I assume you are all aware of the displeasing nature of Bioware's most recent ending."

"WHAT BO DEW FACKING DINK?" Katya gave a stare so full of rage not even the creator of the Reapers could hold it for long.

"There was a prophecy, hidden in the files for Baldur's Gate..."

"Oh, I played that!"

"Yeah, it was great!"

"BILLIANT!"

Everyone turned to look smugly at Joshua who rolled his eyes.

"Oh, piss off. Anyway, you were saying?"

The Catalyst recovered from its look of sheer confusion and continued.

"The prophecy said that one day the great giant would be shrouded in a black mist and would fall..."

"Great giant? You mean Dylan?" grinned Katya, whose nose had now recovered.

"Huh, what? Sorry, every time the Catalyst speaks, his feet glow. I got distracted."

Everyone, even the Catalyst gave a look of concern to Dylan and returned to the speech.

"If nothing is done about the mist that has taken over Bioware, it will fall and a new Dark Age will begin. The Age...of First Person Shooters."

"NOOOOO!" screamed Katya, grabbing the Catalyst. "THERE MUST BE SOMETHIN WE CAN DO!"

"There is. There are four keys hidden within some of Bioware's games."

"How did they get there?" asked Joshua, raising one eyebrow.

"It's a convenient plot device. Now, quiet. I shall send each one of you to one game. The key will lie somewhere within the game and you must find it and bring it back here."

"Better not give Joshua anything past 2007!" laughed Carrie and Joshua gritted his teeth.

"Hilarious. I'll go first, Catalyst." He stepped forward and the Catalyst approached him. He gave him a case and Joshua looked at it.

"Knights of the Old Repu-! Oh, for shits sake!"

"Hahaha! Good luck, fucker!" taunted Katya, as Joshua disappeared in a blue flash. "Me next!"

The Catalyst stepped forward and gave her a case.

"Dragon Age 7: Modern Battlewar? The fuck is-?" Before Katya could finish, she vanished into a red light.

"Carrie, it is your turn."

Carrie took the case from the Catalyst and read it aloud.

"Dragon Age: Origins. Sweet!" And she left in the blue light with a smile on her face.

Dylan stood in the corner, gazing at the bogies on his finger. He hastily flicked them away when the Catalyst came near.

"Dylan. Here is yours."

"Mass Effect? Cool! Oh, wait. This is the first one. But I don't have an Xbo-!" Before he could finish his protests, Dylan left as well.

"Alright! Done now!" yelled the Catalyst and the Author stepped out of the shadows.

"You gave them the keys?"

"Yep."

"Then we just sit back and wait for the money to roll in."

"You know you can't make money out of this, right?"

"..."

"Author?"

"Shit."

**Yes, I know there's no Jade Empire/Baldur's Gate/ Neverwinter Nights. This is because I own an Xbox and, therefore, they remain inacsessable to me. **

**Also, you can find my opinions on the ME3 ending if you look REALLY closely. Oh, and try and guess the moral alingments for each character(lawful evil, chaotic neutral, true good etc.)**

**Thanks for reading(and don't forget to continue the story through downloadable content)!**


	2. Press Start To Play

Chapter Two: Press Start to Play

"And so...it is finished," said a voice out of the blackness.

Carrie's eyes sprang open and she found herself looking at a man with a black beard and tanned skin. There was another man behind him, with blonde hair instead.

"In my Joining, only one of us died." said the blonde one, looking deeply saddened, as Carrie was pulled to her feet by the other.

Joining? What Joining? The only time Carrie had heard of a Joining was...

Oh shit.

-N7-

"Hey, come on. Get up." said a voice as Joshua's slowly returned to him. He saw someone wearing an orange jacket as his vision slowly became less blurry.

"Come on. We'll be at Dantooine soon. I think Bastilla wants to take you to see the Council."

"Council? Like from Mass Effect?" mumbled Joshua, as he rubbed sleep from his eyes.

"Mass Effect? I don't know any 'Mass Effect'. You must be having some side-effects from the crash."

"Wait? Crash?" The man looked concerned, as Joshua paced about the room. "Well, which Council are we talking about here?"

"The Jedi Council, of course."

Fuck.

-N7-

"Commander? Are you paying attention?" Dylan's head snapped up and he looked around at the chamber. He saw three aliens looking back at him from a raised platform. He turned to his right and saw Udina with fire in his eyes staring at him.

"Uhhhh...I'm fine." said Dylan, wishing everyone would stop looking at him. It was like the time he asked what if Zelda was female at the Nintendo convention.

"I think even the Commander realizes what a waste of time this is." smirked the large, orange hologram of Saren.

"Agreed. Councillor, your request to have Saren's Spectre status revoked is denied."

"I'm glad to see justice was served." And with Saren disappeared and the Council left. Dylan turned to face the furious Udina and the bemused Anderson, Kaidan and Ashley.

"Wait. I'm confused. When do I meet Legion?"

-N7-

Katya's eyes sprang open to the sound of gunfire and screaming. She sat up to find herself in some sort of battlefield and that gunfire was blazing overhead.

"MA'AM, YOU HAVE TO MOVE NOW!" screamed a voice in her ear, as she was dragged backwards into a small ditch that served as cover for two marines.

"The fuck? This dosen't look like a Bioware game!" said Katya, as she stared around the war-torn battlefield. She looked at the box she had been given by the Catalyst. It showed a man in heavy armour charging towards the camera with a large rocket launcher. The words, "Dragon Age 7: Modern Battlewar" were plastered above him in steel lettering. Katya's face lightened up a little when she saw it had a reversible gender cover but the woman on the other side just had a bikini on.

"MA'AM, WOULD YOU LIKE TO ACTIVATE YOUR ONLINE PASS NOW?" yelled the second soldier over the gunfire.

"What the fuck are you on about?" Katya looked around in confusion. Somehow the atmosphere seemed lazy and...rushed.

"IF YOU ACTIVATE YOUR ONLINE PASS NOW, YOU WILL RECIEVE A BONUS GAME-BREAKING WEAPON AND A WHOLE NEW MULTIPLAYER MAP THAT LOOKS REALLY SIMILLAR TO AN OLD ONE BUT IS TOTALLY NEW BECAUSE IT HAS DIFFERENT WALLPAPER!"

"Um...no." mumbled Katya, shooting them an odd look.

"Then allow me to introduce myself! I am Sergeant Lance Washington and this is Corporal Samuel Hoover! You will have to pay 800 Bioware Points for him to speak!" Samuel nodded hopefully but Katya shook her head and he looked down. He looked like he was close to crying.

"Ma'am, please put on your super-suit!" said Lance, showing Katya a metal bikini with a US flag on it.

Oh, shit.

**Thank you to all of you for reading! Dragon Age 7 is my personal game of the year!**

**And, yes, I am doing the next chapter for Prothean Journal. Here's a hint for the species:**

**BIG STUPID JELLYFISH**


End file.
